Do you find yourself wondering about all the hilarious things husbands do? Looking for some funny husband quotes? Maybe to point out to your hubbie just how silly he is at times (and who’s really in charge!)
Thankfully the men in our lives have a track record of doing and saying some daft stuff, and the wives picking up the pieces!
Marriage can be many things – frustrating, loving, strange – but one thing that it often is, is funny.
Both wives and husbands have completely different ideas of what marriage is like, and so we’ve put together a list of the funniest husband and marriage quotes from the woman’s point of view about their husband.
So take a look below at some of the funniest and best husband quotes, sayings and pictures.
Funny Husband Quotes
- “In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, he wears. I shop, he pays!”
- “Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.”
- “My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse!”
- “Marriage is just fancy a word to adopt an over grown male child who is no longer handled by his parents.”
- “A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”
- “Marriage is a workshop – where the husband works & the wife shops.”
- “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
- “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
- “Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!”
- “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.”
- “My husband says I feed him like he’s a god: every meal is a burnt offering.”
- “A man who is right by your side through everything makes you happy. But he can leave your side to make dinner once in a while!”
- “My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.”
- “They say love is blind.. and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.”
- “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
- “A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted”
- “Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.”
- “When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.”
- “A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it.”
- “Husband: I am a grown man, stop mothering me. Also husband: Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet? Where did we park? I don’t have clean underwear”
- “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker” – Woody Allen
- “One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!”
- “I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry”
- “My darling, this scenery makes me speechless. Husband: Perfect, we’re setting up tent here.”
- “Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house”
- “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!”
- “My husband wears the pants in my house.. The ones I pick”
- “There are two sides in a marriage, one who is always right and the other is called.. the husband”
- “One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip”
- “A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house!”
Funny Ex Quotes
- “Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else, because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate”
- “My ex updated his status to ‘Standing on the edge of a cliff’ – so I poked him!”
- “I used to think my ex took my breath away.. then I realised I was just being suffocated by his bulls**t”
- “I told my ex I felt like killing him and he said I needed professional help. So I hired a hitman”
- “Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and makes us want to leave footprints on their face”
- “Ran into my ex… so I put it in reverse and hit him again”
- “I used to be married but I’m better now”
- “My ex husband is like bad diarrhoea. When I finally think he’s done with crazy stupid crap and relax a bit… there it goes again!”
- “Oh so your dating my ex? Cool, I’m eating a sandwich.. want those leftovers too?”
- “I still miss my ex husband.. but my aim is improving”
What’s your Favourite Funny Husband Quotes
Husbands get a lot of fun poked at them but at the end of the day we really love them. They’re our partners, there for us when we need them and generally great guys. Just don’t tell them!
Hopefully these quotes will have shown the lighter, funnier side of marriage and living with your husband.
Do you have a favourite from our funny husband quotes? Maybe one that you can most relate to or that even your own husband likes. Or one we’ve missed out!
Sally Gibson is the founder of Someone Sent you a Greeting, a holiday/celebration website. Sally’s writing work has been mentioned in Woman’s World, Yahoo, Women’s Health, MSN and more. If you have any questions get in contact with one of the team via the about page.