90+ Funny Christmas Wishes, Quotes and Jokes

Do you ever find your Christmas messages are a bit boring? If so then you should try out some funny Christmas wishes instead.

Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets together and celebrates the holiday season. This religious holiday has become a tradition for families around the globe. And sending someone a Christmas card or message is a great way to show them how much they mean to you.

But regular Christmas wishes are a bit dull. So a hilarious Christmas message to put a smile on the recipients face sounds better.

Below you will find the funniest Christmas wishes and quotes. You can include them in your Christmas cards, send them to friends and family using Whatsapp or email or just say them to people in person when wishing them a happy Christmas.

Funny Christmas Wishes

1. They say the best Christmas gifts are from the heart… but cash is good too! Happy Christmas!

2. Merry Christmas! May the magic of the holidays be with you even when you open your next credit card bill.

3. For some, the best part of Christmas happens when it’s all over! Wishing you a stress-free Christmas season!

4. Merry Christmas! May the lines at the stores you shop at be short, and may your patience be long this holiday season!

5. Christmas is all about spending time with the best people. So make sure you spend the entire day with me tomorrow. Merry Christmas!

6. Santa told me you’d been very good this year; I told him it was just a lack of opportunity. Merry Christmas!

7. Happy holidays! May your egg nog contain enough rum to get you through the Christmas season!

8. May the calories of Christmas disappear by the New Year. Happy holidays!

9. Happy Holidays! May there be plenty of sales and coupons wherever you go to do your Christmas shopping.

10. Christmas is a time for remembering family and trying to guess everyone’s sizes! Have a Wonderful Christmas!

Hilarious Christmas Sayings

11. I mistakenly wrapped your Christmas present in a paper that says “Happy Birthday”. So I added the wording “to Jesus” on it. Merry Christmas!

12. Christmas is truly full of wonders. It makes all of my savings disappear! That is the Christmas magic; Merry Christmas!

13. Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too until the credit card bills arrive!

14. My Christmas wish for you this year is simple: with all you are going to consume over the holidays, I hope your digestive system can handle it like a champ.

15. This holiday season I think I will donate my bathroom scale. that way I won’t be weighed down with guilt going into the new year!

16. I’ve never decked the halls and I have no idea what Jingle Bell rock is. But I hope your Christmas rocks!

17. There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

18. I’ve just received the bad news. Santa had a heart attack. Cause of death was your name on the good list of this year!

19. The only rule for you to follow this Christmas; don’t drink too much if I’m not there to carry you home! Merry Christmas!

20. Instead of presents, I wish Santa would lend me an elf. I’m pretty sure I could find enough things for him to fix, build, or clean for an entire year!

READ MORE: Christmas Wishes for your Family

Funny Christmas Quotes

There have been some brilliant Christmas quotes from famous people over the years. Here are just a few of our favorites:

21. “Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.” – Victor Borge

22. “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” – Melanie White

23. “What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” – Don Marquis

24. “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn

25. “Christmas is like candy; it slowly melts in your mouth sweetening every taste bud, making you wish it could last forever.” – Richelle Goodrich

26. “Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan

27. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” – Bridger Winegar

28. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller

29. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of this day – the birth of Santa?” – Bart Simpson

30. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” – Phyllis Diller

Christmas Jokes

These are just a few Xmas jokes to tell around the dinner table or whilst opening your presents.

31. Santa left batteries under the tree with a note that said “Due to cutbacks, toys not included”.

32. A Christmas Reminder: Don’t try to borrow any money from elves; They’re always a little short! Have a Merry Christmas!

33. I’ve finally found the true meaning of Xmas, it’s for those people who can’t spell Christmas!

34. How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.

35. What is Santa’s dog’s name? Santa Paws!

36. What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? Quit hanging around!

37. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky? Looks like rain, dear!

38. What do reindeer say before they tell a joke? This one will sleigh you!

39. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments!

40. What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘But I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Funny Christmas Wishes for Friends

41. Merry Christmas! I got you the best gift this year – my presence. You’re welcome!

42. Happy holidays! Remember, calories don’t count at Christmas. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

43. Merry Christmas friend! May your family be functional and all your batteries be included

44. Wishing you a Christmas filled with joy, laughter, and relatives you can actually tolerate!

45. Happy Christmas! I was going to get you something really special this year, but then I remembered you already have me as a friend

46. Merry Christmas! May your WiFi be strong and your relatives’ questions about your life be weak

47. Here’s to a Christmas where the only thing getting lit is the tree! Just kidding, let’s party!

48. Happy holidays! I hope your Christmas dinner is better than your cooking skills suggest it will be

49. Merry Christmas! May your holiday season be full of awkward family photos and embarrassing Christmas sweaters

50. Wishing you a Christmas as bright as your future and as fun as your past mistakes!

Sarcastic Christmas Messages

51. Merry Christmas! Can’t wait to spend quality time with family members I avoid the other 364 days of the year

52. Happy holidays! Nothing says Christmas spirit like fighting strangers for parking spots at the mall

53. Oh joy, another Christmas where I pretend to love the gifts I receive. How festive!

54. Merry Christmas! Time to gain 10 pounds and pretend to like fruitcake again

55. Happy holidays! May your Christmas be filled with all the fake smiles and forced conversations you can handle

56. Merry Christmas! Because nothing says “peace on earth” like Black Friday shopping

57. Happy Christmas! Let’s celebrate by spending money we don’t have on people we barely tolerate

58. Merry Christmas! Another year of pretending your homemade gifts are just as good as store-bought ones

59. Happy holidays! May your Christmas be as jolly as your credit card bill will allow

60. Merry Christmas! Time to deck the halls and max out the credit cards. ‘Tis the season!

Funny Christmas Wishes for Family

61. Merry Christmas family! Let’s all pretend we like each other for at least one day this year

62. Happy holidays! Thank you for being the family I didn’t choose but somehow ended up with anyway

63. Merry Christmas! May our family gathering have more laughs than awkward silences this year

64. Happy Christmas to the family! Remember, what happens at Christmas dinner stays at Christmas dinner

65. Merry Christmas! Here’s to another year of tolerating each other’s opinions over turkey

66. Happy holidays family! May the WiFi password be shared and the political debates be avoided

67. Merry Christmas! Thanks for being the dysfunctional family that makes me look normal

68. Happy Christmas! Let’s eat too much, drink too much, and judge each other’s life choices – it’s tradition!

69. Merry Christmas family! Another year of pretending Aunt Karen’s cooking is edible

70. Happy holidays! May we survive another Christmas together without any major arguments. Fingers crossed!

READ MORE: 80+ Christmas Quotes and Sayings

Funny Christmas Wishes for Coworkers

71. Merry Christmas! May your holiday bonus be bigger than your disappointment when you open it

72. Happy holidays coworker! Here’s to another year of pretending to work while actually online shopping

73. Merry Christmas! May your time off be long and your return to work emails be few

74. Happy holidays! Thanks for making work slightly less unbearable this year

75. Merry Christmas! May your office party be open bar and your hangover be manageable

76. Happy Christmas coworker! Here’s to surviving another year of meetings that could have been emails

77. Merry Christmas! May you get all the time off you requested and none of the work you avoided

78. Happy holidays! Thanks for not ratting me out to the boss all year. You’re the real MVP!

79. Merry Christmas! May your holiday be filled with joy, relaxation, and absolutely no work emails

80. Happy Christmas coworker! Here’s to another year of getting paid to drink coffee and avoid actual work

READ MORE: Christmas Wishes for Coworkers

Funny Christmas One Liners

81. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red!

82. Dear Santa, I can explain…

83. All I want for Christmas is for someone else to do the dishes

84. Christmas calories don’t count. It’s science.

85. I’m only a morning person on December 25th

86. The only time of year when it’s acceptable to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks

87. Christmas: The only time when traffic, parking, and crowds make perfect sense

88. My favorite Christmas carol is “Silent Night” – especially after the kids go to bed

89. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear… or just bringing wine

90. This Christmas, the only thing getting lit is the tree… and maybe me

91. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, prosecco will do

92. Santa saw your Instagram posts. You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas

93. Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money

94. May your Christmas be filled with love, laughter, and tolerant in-laws

95. Remember: Santa is watching, but he’s also judging your browser history

We hope you enjoyed these funny Christmas wishes and jokes. The holidays are a time for fun and laughter so put a smile on someone’s face with a hilarious Christmas message.