45 Funny Retirement Messages and Quotes

Retirement can be a time of mixed emotions. Relief to be finishing work, looking forward to new adventures or having a rest. But also sometimes fear about the future and what will come next.

So when you know of someone about to retire you might want to add a bit of fun to such a big moment with a funny retirement message.

A funny retirement quote or message is a great way to put a smile on their face or bring some humor to what might be a nervous time for them.

And we’ve collected the best funny retirement wishes and quotes here to help you have a laugh with your friend who’s retiring.

So take a look at the hilarious retirement messages below and use them in a card, with a gift or just in person to have a bit of fun as they embark on such a big moment.

Funny Retirement Messages

Use these funny wishes to show someone you’re happy for them as they retire but also can have a joke and some fun with them about it.

  • Your retirement brings out a lot of emotions in me, but I’d have to say envy is the biggest one
  • This place won’t be the same without you. In case you’re wondering, that’s a compliment
  • One of the problems with retirement is that it gives you more time to read about all the problems of retirement
  • Enjoy your permanent weekend
  • Your retirement will leave an empty space in our hearts, not to mention the break room fridge
  • Now Fridays aren’t the best day of the week anymore – they all are!
  • What? Are you old enough to be retiring?
  • Retirement is just a never-ending vacation! Lucky you!
  • The world’s longest coffee break is often referred to as retirement
  • You are a person I really admire, because you are a person who gets to retire
  • Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work
  • Think about retirement as being two six-month holidays per year
  • Now your only job is having fun – and I know you’re a real pro at that
  • You can’t retire from being great

funny retirement quote

Funny Retirement Quotes

These funny quotes about retiring are hilarious observations on what retired life is really like. Use them in a card or to say in person to someone who is about to retire.

  • “I’m retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!” – Author Unknown
  • “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret
  • “I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.” – Gene Perret
  • “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
  • “I would like to extend my condolences to your employer for the devastating loss. Happy retirement!”
  • “In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day.” – Terri Guillemets
  • “When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” – Gene Perret
  • “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” – Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
  • “Retirement adds 5 days to your weekend! Enjoy it!”
  • “I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.” – Danny McGoorty
  • “There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working” – Robert Half
  • “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
  • “Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.” – Unknown

funny retirement message

Hilarious Retirement Quotes for Coworkers

Make a retiring colleague laugh with these funny quotes about retirement.

  • “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
  • “Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet.” – Unknown
  • “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” – Unknown
  • “He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.” – Unknown
  • “I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” – Hartman Jule
  • “I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.” – Unknown
  • “When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you.” – Unknown
  • “In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you aware in the afternoon.” – Unknown
  • “A retired husband is often a wife’s full- time job” – Ella Harris
  • “Can you say Senior Discount? Hope you enjoy all the perks of retirement.”

Funny Retirement Messages for Teachers

Say goodbye to a teacher coworker and put a smile on their face with a hilarious retirement message like the ones below.

  • “Yes,” he laughed, “I’ve been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They’re called naps.” – Terri Guillemets
  • “Retirement can be a great joy if you can figure out how to spend time without spending money.” – Author Unknown
  • “Retirement: World’s longest coffee break.” – Unknown
  • “Retirement: No Job, No Stress, No Pay!” – Unknown
  • “Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.” – Jen Kirkman
  • “Retirement is like a long vacation in Vegas. The goal is to enjoy these years to the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
  • “My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.” – Julius Sharpe
  • “What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.” – Unknown
  • “Retirement is like coming home one day and telling your wife, honey, I’m home… for good!”

Retirement can be daunting and a bit scary. But there’s also lots of fun and laughs to he had at its expense.

So we hope these funny retirement messages and quotes will have helped you to see the lighter side of retiring and wished a friend or colleague a happy retirement in the funniest way possible.

funny retirement messages and quotes

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